The Hostess / Emcee Gig

I learned this lesson well – the bitch on the mic’ is the one making the coins!  So, if you wanna do more than dance around like a chicken-on-a-hot-plate for the next few years, get one the mic’ every chance you can!

Oh, did you need a reality check?  Did you think you could just do your little Drag thing forever?  Much like milk and eggs, Drag Queens do rot, spoil and grow fuzzy hair in places they shouldn’t (some quicker than others)!

We have a shelf-life and there are only a couple of ways to extend it.  One way is to learn to be a great hostess / emcee.  I learned by watching other people who I thought were amazing and Mr. Charlie Brown in Atlanta is the epitome of an excellent emcee.  If you’re interested, HBO did a special on Charlie back in the early 2000’s – you can probably find it in their archives.  Amazing!  Amazing!  Amazing!

Of course, there are a few exceptions to this rule I’ve made up – you could be so boring that you put the kids to sleep – or even worse – you could be the girl I book in the show called “The Commercial Break”.  The Commercial Break is the girl who makes the show just boring enough to send the gays to the bar while they wait for something better to get on stage – Good for the bar, not so good for the bitch (pout).  So, don’t try this at home if you bore the kids until they wanna eat their own Prada belts, are just plain bad on the mic’ OR you’re not likeable when you speak, but happen to be an amazing performer (I can think of quite a few of those!  Should I start naming names?  One gal from Florida comes immediately to mind…..hmmmmm)

The Morale to this story?

Learn to be a witty Emcee and not only will you make some extra dollars, but you’ll also achieve some longevity in this business.

P.S. It's a microphone - you don't have to yell into it or put it in your mouth on it to make it work....let it (and the guy in the DJ booth) do its job and you won't look silly.

P.P.S.  If you're just gonna say "and now welcome to the stage..." don't say anything at all.  Only your mom is gonna remember your name and there's really no point in it.  Come up with something a little more interesting and the gays might even giggle a little (smile)

P.P.P.S.  OOH - and NEVER ask an audience, "Are you all having a good time?"  If you have to ask - the answer is probably "NO"

P.P.P.P.S.  And finally - it's either "Current" or "Reigning"  It is NEVER both (since they mean the same thing!!!!  AHHHH  (that one really gets on my nerves!!  LOL)

From our Dear Friend Rupaul...

here are just a few tips for our up and coming drag queens:

1. choose a name that flows and rolls off the tongue.
something clever, but not too complicated.

2. never wear your own hair. if you have a nice hairline
(one that is not receding), you can pump a hairpiece or a fall.

3. never wear mens attire while in drags...ie, your daytime glasses,
an overcoat, slacks (unless you are padded) or sneakers or flat shoes.

4. always feature false eye lashes.

5. always serve a full coverage foundation set with powder.

6. never be clocked eating food while in drags.

7. never respond to someone who yells "hey slim!" out of a passing car.

8. never lip-sync slow ballads unless you have at least 3 years
of "showgurl" experience.

9. shave your eyebrows off completely and paint them on properly!

10. most importantly, be kind. there are enough "bitchy queens".

you better work, rupaul

This is a job!

Remember, opinions are like assholes – and this is mine! (wink)

If you’re doing drag just for the fun of it – ignore this entire thing and pretend I’m just another bitter, ranting drag queen with nothing better to do with her time.

However – if you want to make a living from being a professional Entertainer (read: Drag Queen) – then here’s what I know and what worked for me:

First:  Being a Drag Queen IS A JOB!  If you always show up late, looking like Miss Sophia just after her last fight with Harpo, dragging a big black garbage bag behind you that appears to be Jeffery Dahmer’s last trick and handing in a CD that has obviously been trampled on by a heard of zebra – then you might want to reconsider this whole cross-dressin’ thang (wink).

IF, however, you are so bold as to put the teensiest bit of effort into this, you can actually make a make a decent living being a bona fide Drag Queen (read: Entertainer)!

I believe that being a Drag Queen is a job just like any other job in the Entertainment Industry.  It comes with a lot of “off-stage” time - but don’t mistake this for down-time.  It come with a lot of adulation and plenty of notoriety – but don’t mistake this for fame and fortune.

Here is the quick list of To Dos if you’re just starting out:

Learn your words

Give your body some “shape”

Learn how to tuck

Practice walking

Buy Cheap Cosmetics and Brushes

Fuck whatcha heard

Learn Your Words

I did not pay that ridiculous cover to see drag show that feels like a bad Kung Fu movie dubbed by the crazy Asian lady who runs the downtown wig store.  LEARN YOUR WORDS!  It is a primary focus of your performance and should be given as much attention as your costuming (if not more).

Give Your Body Some “Shape”

If your purpose is to look like a 14 year old boy, a 29 year old lesbian, Susan Powder from the early 90’s or Justin Bieber then ignore this post (Morgan McMichaels)(wink).  Now, my fat ass is “naturally” shaped with child bearing hips and an abundant chest that can be pushed up into a couple of dirty pillows – however….the rest of you need to find a beat-up couch cushion and an old thanksgiving electric knife from the Salvation Army to appear lady-like.  Get a good old couch cushion, a nice glass of cheap vodka and kool-aide, the Golden Girls DVD Season 1 and start carvin’ them hips!!  If you don’t know how, find someone who does – it’s not rocket science.

Learn how to tuck

There is nothing worse than Snakes On A Plane!!!  This is an illusions and I don’t want to see your chicken and biscuits or what appears to be an ovary popping out of your yet-to-be-defiled uterus!  Tucking is a bit of an art in itself, so you need to learn.  There are a number of ways, but I recommend compression panties.  They make ‘em for old ladies and fat people – but remember that Lycra is your friend. (smile).

Practice Walking

Okay, I’ll admit it – I love watching someone walk in heels for the first time.  HILARIOUS!  Walkin’ all bow-legged lookin’ like Godzilla attacking Tokyo - truly priceless and worth the ridiculous cover. This is just one of the things you have to practice.  You need to get a raggedy pair of heels and just walk in them until you’ve broken the heel off or bent the shank.  DO NOT put them on for the first time right before you go on stage.  You WILL look the fool.

Buy Cheap Cosmetics and Brushes

This is my standard rule for gurls starting out.  PAY YOUR RENT FIRST!  Do not walk up to the MAC counter and let Ashley Iman convince you that you need $4,000 in brushes and makeup (at least not yet).  Ashley is an expert – you are not.  She knows what to do with a brush – you do not.  Go to the WalMart and buy the cheapest set of brushes and cosmetics you can find.  FUCK THEM UP practicing.  Trust me, this won’t take long to do since you don’t know what you’re doing and they are pieces of crap.  Better to mess up the cheap ones that the $150 blush-brush that Ms. Iman insists is more essential than the oxygen you breathe.  (of course I have that brush and hang desperately onto every word she utters).  Once you feel like you have learned how to apply the cosmetics, start off slow – get a couple of brushes (you don’t need the whole set yet) and try one or two of the eye-shadows (you don’t need the whole pallet yet no matter what she tells you).  OOH – before I forget, the golden rule of drag is “CoverGirl does not Cover Boy…”  remember that when looking for foundation!

Fuck Whatcha Heard!

This is just my advice.  If you think you know how to do this job better than I, go out and make your own way.  The best part about this art for is that it is art and no one can tell you what to do.  Go out and do you - no matter what any of these bitches say (including me). 

There’s my One Penny’s Worth!

Response to Question – How to kill a dream?

Response to Question – How to kill a dream?

Well – that’s not actually the question – but Miss Sinthia D Meanor Of Dayton, Ohio (and your reigning Miss Ohio National Pride) asks, “How does one properly give the response of "Quit doing drag because you're just god-awful and rot-gutted" when asked for advice?

Of course, the bitch in me, sitting at a drag show watching a horrible performance by someone who I believe is “just god-awful and rot-gutted” would be to read the poor thing like a vintage copy of National Geographic, commenting on how Jane Goodall needs to come and teach that gorilla how to speak OR that Sigourney Weaver fights monsters like that in Alien Movies or ever better…..Is that the little boy from Children of the Corn??

HOWEVER – The compassionate human being in me (wink) would never to tell someone they can’t do something.  There is an audience for everyone and I mean EVERYONE – even if I think they look like they belong in a zoo. 

Keeping in mind that the scenario is that they came to me, I would advise them to remember that, “This is a job and people pay a lot of money to be entertained.”   I would then pick a couple of generic items to comment on – like…NEVER go on stage without some sort of padding (unless you are naturally shaped like a woman), some sort of body shaping garment (even if you don’t think you need them) and wear at least one pair of hose (especially if you don’t think you need them).

This sort of advise is less directed toward their personal performance (and less likely to squash their dream) but still a good step toward being less of a monkey (wink).

I might also suggest that I could help them make a pair of pads for a fee – LOL  

And there’s my One Penny’s Worth!

You Want Advice? Really?

So, you’re a “New Gurl” in the DragWorld and there are quite a couple of performers that you look up to.  You look to them for style and guidance and you ask a lot of questions….but then comes the dreaded one that is so open ended and fraught with disaster:  “what advice would you give me?”

Do you REALLY want the answer to that question?  I mean, it’s a loaded question and way too subjective.  It is, however, the most common question (if you don’t count “will you paint my face?”)

I have to ask the first question - Why are you doing Drag?

A.  Do you want to just play around and have fun now and then?

If this is the case IGNORE EVERYTHING and just go have fun.  If your whole purpose is to play in the makeup and throw on some tits to go run around the club – go play and have a great time.  Ignore all the advice you’ve ever been given, go dancing and have a gay-good-time!!

B.  Do you want Drag to be your career?

This is certainly not going to be a comprehensive answer, but here’s a cliff notes version as I see it.

Like any other job, AND THIS IS A JOB, you have to work at it.  No one starts out as a Taco Bell Manager – you have to work your way up to it after slinging bean-burritos for a few years.  In short, you have to pay your dues and do a lot of crap-work.  Start at the bottom and get ready to pull some long hours doing things you might never do otherwise. 

Find someone you admire and offer to become their permanent dresser in exchange for a chance to work with them.  You might even get a chance to do a number in a show they’re booked in now and then – you’ll learn how to do hair, sew a zipper, get changed FAST and what kind of music the kids like.  You’ll also probably get into most clubs for free and not have to pay for a lot of your drinks – BUT REMEMBER TO TIP EVERYONE AND DON’T GET DRUNK!  This is still a job and you’re still learning how to do it.  Also, bring $10 in ones.  Give every Performer and every bartender at least one!! 

Keep in mind that most of the things you learn will be specific to your region of the country.  One true test of a great performer is how well they do at an Out-Of-Town-Booking.  Those familiar faces will always love and support you, but how well do you do in a room full of strangers?

The Moral To This Story :

If it’s just for fun – go have fun and fuck whatcha heard!  If you want this job - Get ready to work and be prepared to breath in A LOT of glitter and hairspray.  Everyone’s got their own way of doing this and you’ll have yours, but go to work ready to learn and you’ll be on your way.

There’s my One Penny’s Worth!

all the fun is about to start

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