This is a job!

Remember, opinions are like assholes – and this is mine! (wink)

If you’re doing drag just for the fun of it – ignore this entire thing and pretend I’m just another bitter, ranting drag queen with nothing better to do with her time.

However – if you want to make a living from being a professional Entertainer (read: Drag Queen) – then here’s what I know and what worked for me:

First:  Being a Drag Queen IS A JOB!  If you always show up late, looking like Miss Sophia just after her last fight with Harpo, dragging a big black garbage bag behind you that appears to be Jeffery Dahmer’s last trick and handing in a CD that has obviously been trampled on by a heard of zebra – then you might want to reconsider this whole cross-dressin’ thang (wink).

IF, however, you are so bold as to put the teensiest bit of effort into this, you can actually make a make a decent living being a bona fide Drag Queen (read: Entertainer)!

I believe that being a Drag Queen is a job just like any other job in the Entertainment Industry.  It comes with a lot of “off-stage” time - but don’t mistake this for down-time.  It come with a lot of adulation and plenty of notoriety – but don’t mistake this for fame and fortune.

Here is the quick list of To Dos if you’re just starting out:

Learn your words

Give your body some “shape”

Learn how to tuck

Practice walking

Buy Cheap Cosmetics and Brushes

Fuck whatcha heard

Learn Your Words

I did not pay that ridiculous cover to see drag show that feels like a bad Kung Fu movie dubbed by the crazy Asian lady who runs the downtown wig store.  LEARN YOUR WORDS!  It is a primary focus of your performance and should be given as much attention as your costuming (if not more).

Give Your Body Some “Shape”

If your purpose is to look like a 14 year old boy, a 29 year old lesbian, Susan Powder from the early 90’s or Justin Bieber then ignore this post (Morgan McMichaels)(wink).  Now, my fat ass is “naturally” shaped with child bearing hips and an abundant chest that can be pushed up into a couple of dirty pillows – however….the rest of you need to find a beat-up couch cushion and an old thanksgiving electric knife from the Salvation Army to appear lady-like.  Get a good old couch cushion, a nice glass of cheap vodka and kool-aide, the Golden Girls DVD Season 1 and start carvin’ them hips!!  If you don’t know how, find someone who does – it’s not rocket science.

Learn how to tuck

There is nothing worse than Snakes On A Plane!!!  This is an illusions and I don’t want to see your chicken and biscuits or what appears to be an ovary popping out of your yet-to-be-defiled uterus!  Tucking is a bit of an art in itself, so you need to learn.  There are a number of ways, but I recommend compression panties.  They make ‘em for old ladies and fat people – but remember that Lycra is your friend. (smile).

Practice Walking

Okay, I’ll admit it – I love watching someone walk in heels for the first time.  HILARIOUS!  Walkin’ all bow-legged lookin’ like Godzilla attacking Tokyo - truly priceless and worth the ridiculous cover. This is just one of the things you have to practice.  You need to get a raggedy pair of heels and just walk in them until you’ve broken the heel off or bent the shank.  DO NOT put them on for the first time right before you go on stage.  You WILL look the fool.

Buy Cheap Cosmetics and Brushes

This is my standard rule for gurls starting out.  PAY YOUR RENT FIRST!  Do not walk up to the MAC counter and let Ashley Iman convince you that you need $4,000 in brushes and makeup (at least not yet).  Ashley is an expert – you are not.  She knows what to do with a brush – you do not.  Go to the WalMart and buy the cheapest set of brushes and cosmetics you can find.  FUCK THEM UP practicing.  Trust me, this won’t take long to do since you don’t know what you’re doing and they are pieces of crap.  Better to mess up the cheap ones that the $150 blush-brush that Ms. Iman insists is more essential than the oxygen you breathe.  (of course I have that brush and hang desperately onto every word she utters).  Once you feel like you have learned how to apply the cosmetics, start off slow – get a couple of brushes (you don’t need the whole set yet) and try one or two of the eye-shadows (you don’t need the whole pallet yet no matter what she tells you).  OOH – before I forget, the golden rule of drag is “CoverGirl does not Cover Boy…”  remember that when looking for foundation!

Fuck Whatcha Heard!

This is just my advice.  If you think you know how to do this job better than I, go out and make your own way.  The best part about this art for is that it is art and no one can tell you what to do.  Go out and do you - no matter what any of these bitches say (including me). 

There’s my One Penny’s Worth!